Beards, Hunger, the Zombie Apocalypse and Eternal Life

I agree, I am a girl and probably have no business writing about well, pretty much anything beard related. Unless of course, I take the obvious (and less interesting) route and write about why girls hate/love beards – which I wont.

True, I don’t have the slightest idea what it is like to grow, maintain and love a beard. If I could grow a beard though I most likely would. For a few simple reasons, although most of these reasons are as unrealistic as bigfoot strapping on some sandals and getting on the loc ness monster’s back for a Sunday afternoon splash around.

Yeee haa, ride 'em Bigfoot

Yeee haa, ride ’em Bigfoot

I have however decided to elaborate on why I would love the same glorious beard Madame Delait so lovingly embraced in the early 1900’s.

My numero uno reason for a beard is being able to store food. No matter what the circumstances you will never go hungry. Of course I realize that this alone is not a good enough reason.

So I won’t beat around the bush. Face it; we are approaching the zombie apocalypse at a rapid pace. The reality is that as soon as that apocalypse hits us it is each man for himself. It is a terrifying thought.

Luckily, I have planned out the best ways of survival by using your secret weapon: your beard. I present to you some pointers.

Use your beard for food storage (of course). At the beginning when you wake up and see bloody garden ornaments outside your window, you need to think quickly. You will gather food, weapons, and find a place you can be safe. Truth is, you will slowly run out of food. And hungry people are crazy people.

Hide food items like protein bars, canned meats and noodles in your beard to consume at times when you are alone and your hand starts to look like a grilled octopus with a lemony butter sauce.

Nom Nom

Nom Nom

Use this to your advantage. We have all seen movies and played zombie games. The leader hardly ever dies. He gets the better food rations, better beds, better weapons and anyone in your survival group will much rather cover himself in barbeque sauce and lunge himself at the zombies than see you get torn to pieces. Why? Because you will be able lead the rest of the people to safety. Sure you need to work a little harder, but playing “shoot the walking dead” isn’t exactly hard work.

A few other (less impressive) reasons for having a beard during these times include:
– Less shaving which means conserving water
– You can deflect melee attacks from enemies using beard-power
– Beards can be braided into ropes
– Your beard can actually jump off your face and tackle those zombies while you plan your escape
– It will protect you from the sun
– Can be used as a blanket in the winter

In short, if I could produce testosterone naturally so I myself can grow a magnificent zombie apocalypse survival item like a beard, you bet I would be on it like white on rice.

But until then young lads I leave you with this, embrace your beard. Fill it with treats and delights and forever be fed.

Be first to comment