Neigbours, Lights and Insomnia!

One of the Reasons I Don’t Sleep!

A little over a year ago we decided to move to the suburbs from a complex. And everything was perfect. Birds were chirping, sun was shining. All was well with the world.

Then darkness came. The sun went down. The birds went to sleep. And my neighbour, well, turned into my own living nightmare. I guess with the suburb lifestyle, you also get the “old people who inhabit the area and try to keep the youngsters away purely by being completely ignorant or spiteful”.

Growing up I never enjoyed sleeping all that much and I still frown upon the afternoon nap. But I find now that I am bordering the age starting with a three, that I do quite fancy going to bed at night and embracing a deep slumber. Ah yes, slumbering.


“Going into a sweet slumber to partake in whatever demented dream your mind conjures up.”

I do still struggle to fall asleep, thanks to the insomnia I got as a Christmas gift when I was a kid. (Thanks Santa, you fat suited fuck). It needs to be really quiet and really dark. “Dark” being the important word here.

One of the major problems I have is that it never seems to get dark here. Yes, every night he switches on his little night-light, which causes flaming corneas.

My eeeeyes!!

My eeeeyes!!

I assume my neighbour’s mother did not love him enough or he had to watch her get dressed while singing Aretha Franklin songs and that he is one argument short of using skulls as ashtrays. The fact that I often see him creeping around in his garden half naked at odd hours of the night does not help his case. What else could he possibly be doing than hiding bodies?

Oh if only I was a plant, because then neighbour sir, you could let it shine, that little light of yours. You could let it light up the sky, let it burn up the night. Oh let it shine, let it shine.


But, as much as I enjoy having my face being molten off each night by what I assume is a light stolen from NASA, I do rather enjoy sleeping just slightly more. People get murdered over these kinds of things. A man in Canyon Country murdered his next-door neighbour with a shotgun after a feud over a new light system. So look buddy, enough with your space light.


Not sleeping has some serious consequences as well. It dumbs you down, it kills your sex drive, it ages your skin, makes you forgetful and it can cause weight gain.

So in actual fact I should sue him for turning me into a fat, wrinkly, forgetful prude!

Yes, the light is a big problem, and I am working on a list of ways to drive him out of his house (legally) which I will share soon.

Until then, here are a few tips to help you sleep.






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