Shaving: Why I Hate Summer Reason #1

shaving my legs

It’s summer time again which means shaving them lady-legs moves to the top of my “priorities” list. Unlike my winter legs which I can just conveniently “forget about”, summer legs needs to be mowed more frequently.

shaving legs

I’m lazy. I’m extremely friggin’ lazy. And if it was more acceptable i would probably never even bother to shave. Men complain about shaving their faces, try shaving two legs, armpits and in some poor girls cases a mustache on top of that. {Mustache free since 1984 – ooooh yeaah}

Ok, the real reason I don’t enjoy shaving as much as every other girl (yeah right) is because I have a slight issue with taking a shower. Clearly I used to be a cat in my previous life. Note to self: do some research on past lives.

See, I always envision myself getting in the shower, opening the taps. All is swell and dandy. Then I have the razor in my hand, I am leaning forward and BAM I slip. I fall. I break a bone of which the name i don’t even know because I never really paid any attention in Biology. Dammit my teacher was right, one day I will use something he tried to teach me. Aaaargh what’s the bone called…

“The bone doesn’t matter” I remind myself as I clearly have bigger problems to worry about. I need to somehow slither to my phone which I so inconveniently left downstairs, in the kitchen, three rooms from the stairway. Slithering away, slowly dragging my behind on the wooden floors (the old, splintery wooden floors), the cats decide they want to play. Oh curse the day cats figured that wet hair looked like their stringy toys.

Multiple splinters, cat scratches and stair tumbles later, I reach my phone. Obviously it is only has a 3% charge but it’s just enough for me to shout my address and my situation to the emergency services. I hope and pray they don’t think I am placing an order for Jersey Shore’s Mike the Situation to be delivered to my door.

Luckily for me they send an ambulance. They reach me and carry my naked white butt out since I am basically unconscious and bleeding to death because without even realizing it I cut off half of my leg when i slipped. Neighbours take photographs and soon after the incident millions of shower girl memes will surface the internet.

2011-11-04-Slip-In-The-Shower

Shower just aint gonna happen.

SO I take a bath. The water is never hot enough and then I end up cooking myself and suddenly I fill up with empathy for the poor lobsters. Teary eyed I push forward though and I manage to shave. Oh glorious day. But then I realize that all those tiny hairs I just butchered are sticking to me. Like coconut to a lamington. I find myself getting in to the shower again.

For the love of god the nightmare starts all over again!!

All I ask is that next time you see a girl with a stubbly legs peeking at you, just remember, she does not have enough vodka at home to help her through the traumatic shower experience and she is just waiting for the liquor store to open up… Do not judge. Perhaps you can even give her a little tap on the shoulder to comfort her.

Sometimes the only thing a hairy girl needs is a little tap on the shoulder (oh, and a vodka induced shave)!

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